


The Life They Had Set Themselves To Live.

by a19YearOldTryingHerBest



Category: Barry (TV 2018), Bill Hader - Fandom, IT (Movies - Muschietti) RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: F/M, Feels, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Past Relationship(s), more like friends to nothing to friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a19YearOldTryingHerBest/pseuds/a19YearOldTryingHerBest
Summary: Bill makes his way back into Bea’s life and some old feelings might still be there.
Relationships: Bill Hader & Reader, Bill Hader & You, Bill Hader / OFC, Bill Hader / Reader, Bill Hader / You, Bill Hader/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 20





	1. Not Then,

**Author's Note:**

> Italics are memories.

Bea signed the last paper, she was officially working with Andy Muschietti once more. She smiled and looked up at Andy and he smiled back — I hope having two former SNL cast members in a horror movie isn’t a mistake. — he joked and she laughed, only for a second until confusion and curiosity took over her.

— Who else is from SNL? — she asked.

— Bill Hader is playing Richie. I figured he told you, you guys are kind of friends, right? — he smiled — I mean he was the one that sold us on to have you. It was between you and Jessica Chastain and he just said wonders about you, besides, the two Oscars speak for themselves, right? — she furrowed for a quarter of a second but then shook it off and smiled.

— Yeah, right, he must’ve forgotten to tell me. — she laughed out. Andy smiled oblivious to her anxiety and confusion. Damn if she wasn’t a good actress, and an even better liar. They stayed in silence for a second before she said — Uhm- so… I’ll be on my way now?

— Sure, we’ll send you the script in a couple of weeks and have our production manager talk to your assistant to arrange everything. — said Andy while guiding her to the door but stopped in front of it — It’s very nice to be working with you again Bea.

She smiled — Thank you. It’s the feeling is mutual. You’re a great director, Andy. — he smiled at her.

— I’ll see you in couple of months, then. — they kissed on the cheek before saying goodbye, it was an Argentinean costume Andy had and she had picked upon.

As she was leaving she said — Sure, and tell Barbara I say hi.

— I will.

Bea left the building with a blank stare, her mind kind of numb, still trying to wrap her head around it. She got in the cat but she didn’t started it. She just say there, looking ahead.

_She smiled at him as someone removed her wig. He was fidgeting with the rings on his fingers, repeating his lines under his breath as someone made his wig look just right. Just then he saw her smiling at him, in that very moment he felt himself relax and she noted it too, smiling slightly wider and doing an ok sing at him with a bit of a questioning look. He smiled back and put his thumb up before someone gave him his cue to enter the set and he was pushed in. She watched him preform and laughed along the audience until his bit was over. She waited for him on the other side and they went to the main stage for the final goodbye of the night._

_They went up to the host after, saying congratulations, complementing some bit of their monologue and then they both stayed in the back — Do you plan on going to the party? — she asked hesitantly. She looked at him, as always, he was towering over her, put not in a threatening manner, he was too nice to be threatening._

_He smiled but shook his head softly — I don’t think so. You?_

_He looked at her and she shook her head as he had done before — Not really up for going out tonight. I guess I’ll go home and have a movie night._

_He perked up at her with a smile — Any good movies?_

_She smiled, looking at him — Yeah, actually I finally got Taxi Driver on DVD so I’m gonna re-watch it, maybe with commentaries._

_— That’s so rad. — he said. She was never sure if he said “rad” kind of joking of if it was a word he used seriously_

_She smiled at his choice of words and the way his voice sounded while saying it. She looked at him and saw the excitement in his face — Wanna come watch it? — Bill said yes, even if he felt like he shouldn't let himself do it, even if he felt guilty for not going to his wife first thing after the show._

_They said goodbyes and made up some lies on why they weren’t going to the party. They walked to her apartment, Bill leading her coat to her since the night was pretty cold. When they got to the apartment she made two cups of hot chocolate and they settled in to watch the movie. Somehow she ended up falling asleep on his shoulder, both covered by the same blanket and his arms hugging her waist. When he woke up it was still nighttime, the movie was over, he couldn’t help but to smile at her face, her head was against his chest and her hands were softly touching him. She looked happy and peaceful, her hair covering a bit of her face. In that moment he knew he would be happy waking up to her face any morning, but he couldn’t. He was married and he hated the fact that those thoughts came to his mind whenever he saw her. He cursed himself for thinking about it, thinking about the way her lips would feel on his, the way her hands would touch him. He was a father to a two year old and married to an amazing woman, he couldn’t think like that, he couldn’t think about her like that._

_He looked ahead for a moment, right into the dark wall in front of him. He felt ashamed, he should be at home with his wife. Surely nothing had happened, but he almost felt like he had cheated on her in a way that was worse than physical._

_He looked at her one more time and felt pain. The sweetness was still there but it was now tainted with a bitter and salty taste._

_He moved slowly and lead her head to rest on a pillow, he turned off the TV and went out into the cold, dark night, it was three AM. He would go home, shower and get in bed with his wife. He promised himself he wouldn’t do something like that again, he swore he wouldn’t think of her friend like that again. He would live the life he had set himself to live._

_As he walked to his apartment, he figured wasn’t that far away and he needed time, Bea woke up alone, cold and in the dark, only a soft orange light from the street touching her skin. She felt an emptiness inside her and an endless void around her, Bill was gone, and she was left alone again._

She was still sitting in her car but it wasn’t going anywhere. The windows were up even if the heat was suffocating but she sat there, keys in her hands as she looked ahead. The empty feeling was back, now accompanied by a sinking in her stomach. She kept thinking off all the information she had received but her thoughts were constantly being interrupted by memories.

The idea that after years of avoiding him, after countless nights of crying for him, after years of trying to get over something that didn’t happened, after trying so hard to forget him, she had to see him again because he had convinced the director of having her was glued to her head like a gigantic, unavoidable, stupid sticker that didn’t let her see far ahead.

He had recommended her for a film he was co-starting in. She felt at a loss. She couldn’t understand why would he want to see her after the way she cut all ties.

_Bea had the limousine drop him off at his place. He said goodbye with a long hug and a soft kiss on her cheek, his lips lingering a bit too long around her, his hands holding her a bit too tight. She always felt that, so she always thought it was her own head messing with her. To Bill it was like smelling chocolate when in a diet. It was almost as tasting the chocolate and he felt almost as guilty after._

_He let go of the hug, hating himself again for the feeling he had when he was near her and was about to say goodbye. She saw Hannah running in her pajamas towards her father, being followed by her mother who had to carry Harper. Bea smiled wildly as the kid hugged her father and he hugged her back before picking her up — They wouldn’t go to sleep without you reading to them. Because, and I’m quoting, you can do the voices and I can’t. — Maggie explained, finally catching up to her daughter, greeting Bill with a short kiss on the lips before turning to Bea with a bright yet tired smile on her face — Congratulations on the award! — she chimed. Bea smiled and thanked her._

_— What did you win auntie? — asked Hannah. Her eyes were tired as she leaned on her father’s shoulder._

_— Nothing. Just dumb award about acting, sweetie. — the little girl nodded and Bea smiled, but then she looked at them. Bill, his daughters, his wife, they were happy, even smiling at her, but she felt like a wall between them. On one side Bill, his family, his house; on the other it was just her in her ball gown, the limo and her trophy. It was an unspoken truth, an invisible wall._

_She felt lonely, left aside.  
She felt like shit._

_When they were alone she would forget about it, about the truth, about his family. When it was just the two of them she felt like everything was alright, she was in a small, wonderful bubble where she wasn’t sad, she wasn’t lonely. But she would often forget it was just what she wanted for it to be and not what it was. And moments like this would remind her of that._

_She wasn’t anything but Bill’s friend and, as a friend, she was happy for him but, as the person who had loved him for years, she was heartbroken. And she knew she wasn’t going to get better by seeing him, even if it made her so happy to see him._

_— Do you wanna come in for a drink? — Maggie asked, snapping her out of her train of thought._

_She hesitated — No. I think I’m gonna go, now. — she said, being careful not to let her sadness taint her voice. She looked at Bill wanting to be able to voice her goodbye, to actually say I’m not gonna see you again. But she couldn’t do that, because he would ask her why, and she couldn’t tell him. So she settled for a simple — Bye. — Bill knew her, he knew something was up, but he couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t ask her what was wrong._

_She walked to the limo and trough the dark windows saw them get in the house, closing the door without looking twice._

_Bill would never let himself look twice._

_She felt the emptiness she always felt when Bill left her side, but this time it was deeper, stronger, it was tearing her heart apart. She took a deep breath, stopping more tears from forming and keeping the ones in her eyes at bay._

_— Where to? — asked the driver._

_She looked ahead, tears on her eyes and she shook her head before looking at the award on her right, she grabbed it and looked at the driver — Do you know where the Oscar party is?_

_— Sure thing._

_The limousine started, leaving behind the life she wished she had with Bill but she couldn’t get. As she rode in the chilly Californian night Bill went to sleep with his wife, surrounded by so many good thing but feeling an emptiness inside him he didn’t feel when she was with him._

She felt like an idiot. She knew she still felt the same and she hated herself for it.

She couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t keep hurting for the same guy for over ten years, she couldn’t keep suffering for someone She hadn’t seen for four years. She started her car and started driving off. She promised herself she wouldn’t fall into that rabbit hole again, she swore she wouldn’t think of about him in that way. It was just a couple of months and then she wouldn’t see him again, then she would finally live the life she had set herself to live.


	2. Maybe Now,

He felt like an idiot. An absolute prick. It hadn’t been his intention to convince Andy to hire her but he brought her up and he couldn’t help but to talk about how amazing she was to him. Well, it actually was his intention when he realized what he was doing midway into conversation. He wouldn’t have ever passed up the opportunity to talk to her again.

However, there were two bad thoughts on the back of his mind that he just couldn’t shake. The first one, slightly induced by other people, was that she had left him behind because she had won that Oscar and had let the fame rush to her head. But he knew that she wasn’t like that and she still talked to their shared friends, Andy, so it wasn’t that. But he couldn’t think why she would do stop talking to him like that. Well, he could think of something, he had, but it was a scary thought to him and roomed on the back of his head at all times. Maybe, he figured, she had found out about his feeling for her, and maybe she had stopped talking because she found it creepy, inappropriate and didn’t returned it. It scared him to say the least.

And there he was, over nine weeks after that conversation, about to do a table read, about to see her again after so long.

He looked at the building with despair. All he had to do was walk in, find the room and he would see her. Actually see her. Not an old photo, not a picture in an article about her, actually her. He would be able to see the glimmer in her eyes, the red in her hair, he would hear her voice, maybe, if he was lucky, her laughter. But it was terrifying. The simple idea of seeing her was nerve wracking. So many thing could go terribly wrong, he couldn’t focus in just one.

He looked around the parking lot, luckily no one had noted him standing stiff in from of the building. He decided to just get over with it and get inside the building.

She was as beautiful as he remembered her. He felt relived to see her like that, as simple as she had always been, and he loved that. Most people wouldn’t take simple as a compliment, but she did, because she was and that didn’t take away the awesome and especial of her. She might’ve been wearing a cardigan and some jeans but she looked perfect to Bill, no matter what.

Bea had seen him enter the room but the moment that she realized it was him she decided to glue her eyes on Barbara, who was telling her some sort of overview of the movie and Beverly’s character arc; so it was good for her to be paying attention to what she was saying, even if had already read the script.

After everyone arrived they all sat down. Andy started introducing everyone, from every head of department to all of the actors, young and adults. Before they started the reading she gave in and looked at him. She felt herself freeze for a moment, she hadn’t seen him in so long. It felt almost surreal, his smile was the same, the subtle way he moved his leg under his seat since he was anxious, she catched herself smiling and shut it down. But then she heard his laugh and she fell back into the soft, wonderful bubble she had lived in for so many years. She smiled again, unable to contain herself. And in that moment he looked at her.

The time seemed to have frozen for them so they could stay in that haze together. Both off them feeling their own stomach drop but in different ways, without the other knowing. Bill felt like he had found the most beautiful thing in the world that he once saw but lost and he was caught in surprise by it; because it was just that. She was smiling while looking at him and it was the thing that he had found to melt his heart once but had lost yet, somehow, he was lucky enough to see again.

But Bea didn’t feel it like that, in the slightest. For her it was almost like seeing an old scar reopen and start bleeding, she felt like she was looking all of her blood and couldn’t think straight. She hated that it felt like that, she hated that it felt like anything at all, so she looked away.

The reading began and Bea felt lucky she didn’t have many lines with only Bill. But then it came the line she had feared since the first time she read the script. She had said it thousand times before on SNL, she had even kissed him once, but the thing was that she would say it as a friend sometimes. Supposedly as a friend, since she did it to have a sweet pet name for him. But now she wasn’t in costume, he was looking straight into her eyes and she wanted to call him that for real — Richie. H-honey- — her voice faded out a little — he’s dead.

— With a little more sorrow. — Andy asked and she felt her heart sting, she would have to say it again.

She thought of the sadness he brought her and focused it in the line — Honey, he’s dead. — the room fell silent, mostly because Bill had been caught up in her pain, even if it was acting, he knew it wasn’t just acting. He knew she would take her own emotions and put them in the lines, and that pain sounded rougher that he had ever heard from her.

— Bill, that’s your line.

They were done in no time. She felt her nervousness fade quite quickly as she introduced herself with the cast and crew. She already knew McAvoy, Jay, Sophia and had heard about everyone else, so it wasn’t so hard to get acquainted with most of them. But then Bill was the one standing in front of her and she couldn’t say a word, so, as he did when he was nervous, Bill started running the mouth.

— Hey, hi, uhm. That was great, you were great. Amazing. Uhm, how- how are you? — he was smiling and looking at her as if it had been just a day since he last saw her. She was a bit confused, why wasn’t he mad or something?

— Hey. — she replied. Her throat dry and her eyes darting all over his face until she remembered he asked a question — Fine. Y-you?

— Fine. Great. Yeah. — he did a small movement with his hands and seemed like he immediately forgot where his they were supposed to be. He awkwardly put them on his hips, slightly under his denim jacket. That was when she noted that he was dressing different than he did around four years ago, it was different but in a good way she guessed. And apparently it meant no cargo shorts with plaid shirts, or at least she assumed it did.

— How- how are the kids? Haven’t seen them in a while.

— They’re great, yeah. Harper started primary school not long ago and Hannah helps her every time she has homework. And, I didn’t know if you heard, I had another girl almost — he slowed down a bit, looking at the floor for a second — four years ago. — Bea pressed her lips feeling just a bit of a sting in her heart as she gathered her strengths for the rest of the conversation. He smiled, somewhat unaware of every bad microexpression her face was showing — We named Hayley.

She swallowed her discomfort and but on a soft smile, happy for him, as always — I hadn’t heard. Congratulations. — of course she didn’t tell him that she had made people throw away every new article that was about him that someone brought by and tended to deflect him as a subject in conversation or interviews. She took a small but deep breath preparing herself for the role she was about to play again — That’s great for you guys. Uh, how is she? How’s Maggie?

— She’s good I guess. We actually got divorced not long ago.

She was surprised and it caught her off guard. She would’ve never seen that coming for them. — Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. — she couldn’t help but to feel guilty, thinking back to every time she wished he was available so she could have a chance. Of course, never hoping anything bad for Maggie, not even really thinking about a hypothetical divorce; she liked Maggie, she made Bill happy and was the mother of his childs, she would’ve never wished any kind of harm to her.

— It’s alright. No need to apologize, it was for the best. — she would’ve never admit it to herself but she wished to know what happened to them. She also wanted to ask him to see the girls, to know how they were doing, but she wouldn’t allow herself, because that would be being back into their life, into his life.

After a short silence she remembered she had to leave. She grabbed her purse and looked back at him — I gotta go now. I’ll see you on set tomorrow. — before he could say anything he was long gone.

He felt an all too familiar of a feeling take over him. He felt left behind and alone. It felt like the month after her Oscar all over again. He couldn’t understand why she had pushed him aside. He felt like he should be mad or angry, not only hurt, but, no matter how much he wanted to be, he couldn’t. Maybe, he thought, they could let all those bitter feelings behind if he did the right things.

It hadn’t been easy filming with him, laughing his stupid jokes, hearing constant updates on his girls, realizing they were both staying in the same hotel and doing carpool most days, getting to see him every morning, every afternoon and every night while pretending everything was fine. She felt her heart rush every time he would look at her and felt it sink back down remembering all the years she hadn’t seen him. But, however clear her emotions were, she felt completely lost. She couldn’t keep pretending to not be in love with him but she couldn’t be apart from him again. She needed to make a choice, she could suffer in silence or she could suffer alone.

But one day, as she was saying goodbye since she was done for the day a familiar and small voice made her turn around chimed — Auntie Bea!

She turned around to see Hannah, Harper, Hayley and Bill walking towards her. She felt herself choke up as Hannah ran to her and stopped before hugging her.

— Hey, kiddo! — she lowered herself to hug her back and pick her up only to spin her a couple of times — Look how much you’ve grown! — she put her back down and let go of her, seeing her giggle — You almost past your father. — she saw Harper get closer but staying behind her sister with a shy look on her eyes — So have you Harper. — she smiled and the girl smiled back. She stood straight up again and looked at Bill who was holding Hayley on his arm — Is that?

— Yep. — he looked at his girl and with a high pitched and funny voice said — Say hi to Bea, honey. — the little girl looked at Bea and launched forward to grab her hair, completely infatuated with it’s colour. Both laughed and Bill had to let Bea held her because she wouldn’t let go.

— I guess your hair is her’s now. — commented Hannah, looking up at the scene, standing with Harper next to Bea.

Bea laughed and looked at the baby girl in her arms — You like it? — she asked in a goofy voice — It’s completely you then. — Hayley laughed, her blue eyes fixed on the red hair, and Bea couldn’t help but to smile.

Bill looked at her, he saw her holding his baby, laughing with his kids, and he felt his chest fill up with a bittersweet joy that felt like it could never be washed away. That was the woman he wanted to wake up to every day, that was the woman he wanted to love, that was the woman he wanted his daughters to call mom, that was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Bea saw him looking and blushed slightly, so, to distract herself, she joked — So you brought them here so they could see the big scary murderous clown?

— Ooh! Can we? — chimed Hannah, making Bea laugh.

— I don’t think so. — he answered to his eldest daughter and then looked back to Bea — I got called in to film a couple of things. It was supposed to be my free day but they need me.

— That sucks. How long is it gonna be?

— Three to four hours. — he looked at her, completely out of costume — Are you about to go or just getting here? — he asked.

— About to go. — she stayed quiet for a second and looked at the girls, they were going to be bored — Do you want me to take to a movie? Maybe you get to join us for some food after?

Bill smiled. After thirty minutes of looking a production assistant to accompany them, they were on their way to the nearest shopping mall. She found Hannah to be very smart and talkative, Harper seemed to be really smart but not much of a talker and Hayley was the cutest and most energetic toddler she had ever seen.

They watched a kids movie and then went to a waffle house to wait for Bill. The sat down and a waiter came to take their order — Oh, just water for now, we’re waiting for somebody. — said Bea and then, when the waiter left, turned to the PA — I can take it from here, Will. Thank you so much for your help. — the young guy smiled, said goodbye and went away.

Short after the waiter came back with the glasses of water, one of plastic and left the a few menus on the table — Can we order? — pleaded Harper and Bea smiled shaking slightly her head.

She looked at her with a sympathetic look — Your dad will be here any minute Harper. — she assured her — We can’t start without him. Besides, you will need a lot of time to decide from all of these delicious options, right? — she showed her the menu with a funny face — lets see what they got. — she looked at the list with a funny face and a hand on her chin and hummed — What about some cockroach waffles for you Harper?

She made a sound of disgust and shook her head — They don’t sell those! — she laughed.

— Of course they do! — Bea laughed. She looked at the eldest of the sisters and winked as she said — Right Hannah?

Hanna smiled — Yep! It’s what it says, Harper, right under the dirt and worms one. — Bea smiled and Hannah pointed at a random place in her sister’s menu.

— That’s not fair, I just learned to read! — she almost burried her face in the menu following with her index finger in the place her sister had pointed — This is gonna take forever. — she said under her breath, making Hannah laugh shortly.

Bea smiled seeing her pronounce the syllables out loud — It’s alright, honey, if you don’t like them we can get you a… chocolate chips one?

She smiled — With cream?

— Absolutely. — Bea smiled and then caught Bill on the corner of her eye. He was standing a few feet from them, arms crossed and a wide smile on his face. She could’ve sworn he blushed when she turned to look at him — Hey. — she smiled as he slid into the booth, opposite to her, next to Hannah.

— Hey. — he smiled — Did you troublemakers had fun? — he asked, ruffling Harper’s hair.

— Yeah! — chimed the two eldest of the three, Harper slowly putting her hair back to where it was and Hannah smiling at her father. Hayley, on the other hand, called for her dad until he picked her up and carried her on his lap.

Bea looked at him, Hayley touching his face as he did idiotic faces, Hannah talking about what to get and Harper asking if they could order over and over. She knew this was the family she had wished to be a part of, that was the man she wanted to love for the rest of her life, this was all she wanted to see evermore. But at that moment she remembered she couldn’t just stretch her hand across the table and hold his, she couldn’t kiss his lips, she couldn’t tell him she loved him as if it was something known by both of them.

And she remembered what she had thought of right before starting filming, the first time she saw him after so long. She couldn’t get involved — I think a should go. — she muttered, almost embarrassed, grabbing her cell phone from the table, getting ready to leave.

— What? No. — said Bill, surprised by her sudden shift.

— I don’t want to overstep. — she hesitated, trying to excuse her decisions, realizing there weren’t many she could actually say.

— Don’t go Bea! — chimed all three of the girls. She felt her heart melt to the petition, and so did Bill’s.

She hesitated but sat back down, smiling shyly as Hannah and Harper chanted happily, pleased with the result. Bill smiled at his girls and then at her. Bea looked at him and smiled back. The time froze over once more, letting both of them be in a haze of soft bubbles, feeling their hearts swell by the same thought, in the same way, without the other knowing; all the bad feelings being left behind.


	3. Maybe Forever.

It felt like being back to the days before she decided to let him out of her life. Even better than those days. They were still afraid to ruin the relationship they shared but there wasn’t any more guilt, no afterthought of his marriage for either of them. It was better, but it still felt like they were holding their breaths around eachother.

The filming was coming to an end which made Bill’s heart sink, he couldn’t go back to not seeing her, couldn’t go back to not speaking to her everyday, not hearing her voice, not seeing her smile. Even if he had to hold back the “I love you” lingering on his throat, _seeing her was enough_.

Bea, on the other hand, was confused. She wasn’t sure how she should feel, because, no matter how much she loved to see him, it wasn’t enough for her. Every day she would see him felt like peeling off a scar, for a moment it seemed like it was healed but every time she would peal it off the fucker would start bleeding again. And she couldn’t bear to loose that much blood.

Still, the thought of not seeing him made her dread the end of filming which was a few days away. She wished she could pause the time, only for few times, just to stay in the limbo that had been those three months and a half of shooting, just to look at him for a little bit longer.

But she couldn’t stop time, and the days weren’t going to be longer just because she wanted them to be.

The last day for most of the cast came around. She was covered in fake blood, which was slightly better than being freezing in a lake on a particularly cold day, and she still felt conflicted.

As they all clapped and smiled she looked at Bill. His heartwarming smile, his peaceful eyes, his awkward stance. She couldn’t keep doing that to herself, even if she wanted to, even if just the thought of not seeing him again made her heart twist and turn in pain.

She had already done it once, she figured it wouldn’t be so hard to do it again. But she knew she was just lying to herself.

When the claps died out, without saying a word, without having anyone see her, she went back to her trailer. She had found long ago that she could do that, she could almost make herself invisible, unnoticeable. Except to Bill, he would always see her. That’s why, when she finished showering and changing, he was at her door.

He was changed and showered too, completely out of costume, a jean and a plaid shirt on. She smiled. Maybe the plaid wasn’t completely gone after all.

— Hey. — she stepped out of the trailer, leaving her a few inches from him.

— Hey. — he smiled at her and took a hesitant and small step back, maybe to give her space, maybe to give himself space — Why did you sneaked out? — he tried to say it humorously but failed.

— The blood is manly syrup so I really needed that shower. — she laughed shortly, trying to distract with some sort of comedy. But, even for two former SNL comedians, they were in a pretty rough place to joke around.

Bill nodded, letting out a small “Oh” just to say something. He had seen the way she was leaving, the look on her, he knew it all too well. He had spend four years thinking of that exact same look she gave him before going towards the car. He knew she was gonna leave him again but he still didn’t know why.

He wanted to ask her, he wanted to pour his heart put put to her and let it all out but Ransone accidentally stopped him before he could — Just the people I was looking for! — he chimed — We were all gonna go for a few drinks at a bar, as a farewell thing. Wanna come? — he asked.

— Sure. — Bill responded and then looked at Bea. She wasn’t looking at him, she was looking hesitantly at James. He hoped she would say yes, because maybe if she did he could talk to her. When she smiled and said yes he felt relived. Maybe he would talk to her, maybe he wouldn’t loose her again.

However, she wasn’t really up for talking, so the first thing she did was to take up on the offer of a double scotch Skarsgård had made and still got a beer like everyone else. She was trying to get drunk. Bill noted that, seeing her drink as the conversation went on.

— I really think we can all relate to at least one of the losers’. — said Ransone before taking another sip of his beer. Most of the guy chuckled at the commentary, not taking it seriously.

— What kind of fucked up childhood did you have? — Bill joked and got everyone to laugh, even Bea which made him smile.

— Hey, I don’t mean like, murderous clowns and creepy father’s but like- my mom was like Eddie’s mom but down to like- ten percent. She was always worried about me getting sick and that kind of made me scarred to get sick. — he laughed a bit — But it only meant being extremely fucking covered up in coats in winter.

Everyone laughed a bit. An opening came for someone else to talk and Bea decided it would be her.

She immediately threw back the last swing and talked loudly — I like, totally relate to Richie.

— You’re secretly gay? — joked Jay in a lower tone than her. Everyone was amused by her drunken state, everyone except Bill.

It wasn’t like he was angry or disappointed, he was just hurt. She was drinking just to not talk to him, he knew it and she knew he knew it.

She smiled at his stupid joke — Nooo… — she shushed, shaking her head softly, looking at him with an empty glass on her hand, her eyes almost closed before she had opened them wide — I’m just been stupidly in love, for nin- no- then years, with someone I was- I- am? — she hesitated — Someone I’m friends for ages. — she didn’t correct any the many errors she had made then.

— No way! — most of the men chanted.

— Who? — asked Bill. She convinced herself that it was the alcohol but she would’ve sworn he had clenched his jaw after asking the question.

She giggled — I can’t say. — hadn’t been for the alcohol she would’ve been extremely nervous in that moment, lucky for her she just found it amusing.

— Oh, come on! — chimed in Mustafa.

Bill’s eyes stayed fixed on her as she laughed, for the first time in his life Bea’s laughter didn’t made him smile. He felt his stomach clench at the idea of her being in love with someone for so long. _Why would she put herself through that? Why would she let herself be left aside?_ But then, he thought, he was willing to do that for her. And he understood why she had never been serious with anybody. She was so in love she couldn’t think of anyone else. And he felt jealous of this person, of this friend, yearning the idea of having her loving him like that.

Bea looked at him and saw him serious. She couldn’t keep it any longer, the filming was done, there wasn’t any reason they would have to keep talking after, and she thought that maybe if she finally said it, maybe if she could get it out of her system, she would feel better. So she took McAvoy’s beer and finished it quickly, having him complain about it. She looked at Bill again, straight into is light blue eyes, and he relaxed, somehow foreseeing what she was going to say, or maybe just hoping for it.

— It’s Bill. — she said and the laughter in the table slowly drowned out. She felt her eyes sting as she looked for a reaction -other than surprise- in his face.

— Him? — asked Isaiah, as surprised as the rest.

— Yep. — she said, suddenly feeling a lot more sober. She grabbed the scotch Skarsgård hadn’t drink and then drank it entirely in one swing, barely reacting to the sting on her throat.

Bill was confused, to say the least — Me? — he asked. He couldn’t really fathom the idea. _She was in love with him. She had loved him for years. She was so in love with him she hadn’t really dated anyone in ten years_. It didn’t seem real. There was no way it could be real, he thought. But he was wrong.

Bea nodded, looking at the table, unable to see what she thought would be a cringe or some sort of reaction that would reflect his rejection. She stood up and felt the alcohol rush to her head, making her stumble. Two arms helped still, standing. She realized it was Bill when he said — I’m gonna take her back to her hotel room. — everyone agreed on it and said goodbye. He guided her outside, helping her put her coat on, and called for a cab. The fresh air felt nice but only made her more dizzy and tired but they got into the back seat of a car in no time.

He gave the address of the hotel to the driver and let her lay her head on his shoulder. She was half drunk and half asleep so she didn’t notice the soft trail he made up and down her arm with his thumb, or the soft kiss he left on the top of her head.

Bill, on the other hand, noted it all. He noted the coconut scent on her hair, he noted her heart beating against him, he noted his own heart skipping a beat ever time his mind played back her words.

_I’m just been stupidly in love, for nin- no- ten years.  
It’s Bill._

They got to the hotel and he lead her to her room, having her lean on him as she hugged him by the waist. He couldn’t help as his heart went faster every time she would hold tighter on to him, whispering things he couldn’t hear or understand.

On the elevator she kissed his arm -since she couldn’t reach for his shoulder- and then looked into his eyes — Please stay with me. — he was about to objet but she cut him before — Just ‘til I fall asleep. I get really s-sad when you gone.

He nodded, not sure when he decided he would do that. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to sleep next to her but that she was drunk. And, even if she had just admitted her feeling for him, he felt like he was taking some sort of advantage. Besides, he was used to feel guilty for loving her and sometimes he couldn’t shake that feeling.

Bea guided him to her room and he let the door close behind him, she got inside the bathroom leaving him in the main room standing next to the bedroom door, taking the shirt she had used as a pajama the night before and putting it on. She got out of the bathroom and into the bed really slowly, stumbling on her way.

Bill stayed there for a while, standing at the door, listening to her talk about dumb things as a way to ignore the fact she had said she was in love with him. He let her do it, unsure of how that conversation would go with her inebriated and him a little bit drunk, too. But by one thirty am she changed her mind — You can lay with me if you want to. — he was shocked, that comment was unprompted and he wasn’t sure what to answer — I’m not trying to be creepy or anything, I just- it’s nice to have you close. Even as a friend.

Bill walked up to the bed and took his shoes off, he would’ve taken his pants too but it didn’t feel right at that moment. He looked into her tried eyes as he laid next to her. He felt awkward.

He wanted to touch her, but not in a sexual way, he just wanted to caress her face and name every good thing about her to a excruciating detail, he wanted to hold her hand and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, he wanted to cuddle her and softly kiss her skin, he wanted to tell her — I love you.

She looked at him surprised — You what?

— I love you. — he said, even calmer. It had been an accident the first time but then he realized there was no reason to hide it anymore. There was a brief silence in which her eyes went up and down his face, trying to think past the feeling of surprise and the dizziness the alcohol gave her.

— Since when? — she managed to say.

— Since the moment I met you. — there wasn’t any reason to lie anymore. He felt a weight he never knew he carried being lifted off his shoulders. She loved him, he loved her. That was all that really mattered.

She fell silent. It wasn’t bad, not one of the thing he said were bad, but she was expecting bad, she was expecting terrible, so it was confusing. Her mind was still, it couldn’t compute the one great thing she had always hoped for.

— _Fuck._ — she whispered.

He smiled a bit — I know.

They stayed in silence again. It was comfortable. They knew they had a lot to say but it couldn’t be said in that moment. And it was easy like that, they loved eachother, they were free to be together, but they didn’t have to figure anything out just then, they could just lay in bed next to each other.

— I’m too drunk for this right now.

— I know. — he, smiled softly and she smiled back — We can just lay here if you want. — she nodded and they stayed like that, staring into eachother’s eyes until she fell asleep. He thought of going to his own bed but she gave him peace just by being there, he felt powerless to even look away from her. Besides he really wanted to see her face first thing in the morning.

But, when she woke up, he wasn’t there. She felt her chest sink again. She thought that maybe it had been a lovely dream she wished she hadn’t waken up from. She heard some noise on the other room, unsettling her a little. She got up and went to see what it was, finding the small table by the window decorated by a vase with wild flowers. She looked at the table with a bit of surprise. An empty cup was set in front of both chairs, some chopped fruit in a bowl and some oatmeal in another, orange juice and a kettle with hot water were almost in the middle of the table. She uncovered the plate that was next to one of the cups, seeing scrambled eggs, bacon and two french toast but got distracted by the sound of the door closing. She saw Bill walking past the bathroom door and into the small room. He smiled when he saw her.

— Good morning. — he said with a sincere smile on his lips, stopping a few feet from her.

— You ordered breakfast. — she smiled, her hand touching the table.

He smiled shyly — Yeah, I thought it would be nice.

— It is. — he smiled but didn’t move. Somehow they were both still afraid of making rough moves, fearing it would somehow scare the other off — Wanna eat? — she finally said.

He smiled as he moved to the table. They both sat down and started eating, stealing looks from eachother ever so often.

It was odd to say the least. They both had confessed their love for eachother but the fear of screwing thing up was still there. The idea of setting off a bomb that was never really there. And he thought about it, about how stupid it would be to wait any longer. He closed his eyes tightly and recalled the leap of faith she had apparently taken the night before, and he made himself do the same, just one more time

— Bea. — she looked up at him, swallowing the food she was chewing — I love you.

Her breath stopped for a few seconds, she had heard him say it before, twice to her. But it was different from the ones from the night before, it wasn’t a declaration, it seemed as usual like a hello, like reminding her of something they both knew, like it had been said a hundred times and there was no doubt about it.

She looked at him, his subtle nervousness, his sweet smile. She felt happy, at peace. It felt like the world was smiling at her, at least her world was.

There was only them at that moment, everything else was gone but it wasn’t left as a void it was just not there, it didn’t mattered.

She looked at him, the loneliness that always has lingered like a shadow behind her finally gone — I love you, too. — she said, a hesitant smile lingering on her lips.

Bill stretched his hand across the table and held her hand, looking into her eyes, her smile gaining confidence as his grew bigger and sweeter — I want to be with you.

Those words filled her heart with joy. She gave in into the impulse she had fought back so many times for so many years and reached to kiss his lips with sweetness, necessity and desire.

It was a chaste kiss but her heart skipped a beat when she felt his soft lips kiss her back. It felt like that small, beautiful bubble she had lived in for the past three months. After a few seconds she slowly backed away, she needed to see his face after feeling his soft lips kiss her.

Her eyes got clouded with tears of happiness when she saw his smiling face. As the few of them slipped down Bill dried them off, some at bay on his own eyes.

He stood up and went to her side of the table, she sat down by inertia, looking into his beautiful light blue eyes that, at that very moment, seemed to be the colour of happiness. She faced him as he knelt down onto both of his knees right in front of her, holding her face between his hands, smiling through tears as if he had just found her after so many years from looking her.

He leaned forward slowly, intimately and kissed her. It was soft, warm and small but felt like the most radical and gigantic act anyone had ever been committed.

He smiled through it for a moment, and she felt it, making her giggle, which made him giggle. And after a short few seconds of dumb, enamored giggles they ended up with their foreheads against eachother, eyes still closed, Bill’s hands on her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek, and Bea’s hands on his shoulder, somehow trying not to loose him.

For once they were not hesitant or fearful, they weren’t wondering if the other felt the same, they knew what they both meant. And, for once, they told themselves they were gonna live the life they had always wanted, not the one they had set themselves to live.


End file.
